I let her go because it wasn’t romantic love. Where was it? Ask Ellie

Q: I’ve been dating a woman for over six years, and recently decided to end things. I realized a while ago that even though I still loved him, it wasn’t romantic love. I wanted to be fair and give her a chance to be happy with someone who loves her romantically.

She took it badly when I told her my decision, and I still don’t feel much better.

We were a big part of each other’s lives. I keep seeing reminders of her. I wonder now if I did the right thing or am I just looking at our relationship through rose-colored glasses?

Bad decision?

A:There are so many questions that beg to be asked about your story, but I doubt you answered them thoughtfully.

You left out the important details that would define your relationship with her, so here’s a checklist of what’s essential to consider:

Dating someone for six years without a romance would be like having a close friend. But dating someone and maybe having sex and maybe also sharing the intimacy of deep communication about feelings is usually “love”.

Confront the reality of the relationship. If there was more than a close friendship, maybe you were afraid of commitment. In other words, it’s not that you think you don’t like him, but maybe you’ve been afraid to move forward in life for fear that it will involve changes you might have to make. .

While these thoughts are guesswork on my part, I suggest you do this search for inner truth on your own.

There’s a reason you feel bad about breaking up. Instead of feeling kind, smart, and free from her, you doubt yourself for hurting the person you cared about most.

Work it out in your mind. There’s nothing more emotionally devastating to someone than being dumped…and having the same person come back saying they made a mistake.

That said, if you feel like this after answering my questions, go see her in person and say, “I love you. I was scared, but now I’m not.

Q: I am a woman, in her early 60s, who has been married twice, now single. I met a man a few years older with the same track record, and we hit it off. We are both athletic and enjoy tennis, golf and other activities together.

That changed when he continued to speak highly of his second wife, despite having divorced him because of his addictions and doing nothing about them.

We had been dating for several months when I found out he was also dating a woman in her 40s. This ended my interest in a deeper relationship and I told her.

Now we’re just friends, good company, comfortable together, even if he sometimes tries to be romantic. I push him away. Am I wrong to be so firm on the refusal to physically share a man?

I still have standards

A:Your standards are part of who you are and you are proud to be. Obviously you would probably be angry and hurt if you knew that he was sharing intimacy and sex with both of you, during the same dating period. Nevertheless, you now know that it could happen, if you let it.

Whatever others may accept in their personal lives is a matter of values ​​and self-respect.

Enjoy the laid back, comfortable part of friendship and shared interests in activities that keep you fit while having fun.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Sometimes the line between close friends/love gets blurred. Don’t avoid a deeper relationship for fear of commitment.

Ellie Tesher is a Toronto-based Star advice columnist. Email your relationship questions to: [email protected]

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